1. More than one living relative is named after a
Southern Civil War general.
2. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
3. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and
Minutemaid taste test.
4. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
5. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6. Your front porch collapses and kills more than
7. You've ever used lard in bed.
8. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
11. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
12. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
13. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
14. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an
15. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
16. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your
front door to make it look nice.
17. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
18. You own a homemade fur coat.
19. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
20. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas
21. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
22. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently
on the floorboard of your car.
23. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
24. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
25. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes
26. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for
27. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front
28. You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
29. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
30. Fewer than half of your cars run.
31. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling
32. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
33. Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
34. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
35. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight
with the principal.
36. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
37. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
38. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother
for a few days.
39. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives
to figure out how to fix it.
40. Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her
lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
41. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and
wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
42. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen
43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over
a huntin' dog.
44. You're an expert on worm beds.
45. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he
visits your house.
46. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this
transmission so I can take a bath!"
47. Your family tree does not fork.
48. The flood history of the area can be seen on your
living room walls.
49. You haul more than U-Haul.
50. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and
announced, "The feud is back on!"
51. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
52. Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
53. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
54. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
55. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart
56. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying
57. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
58. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
59. You've ever financed a tattoo.
60. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil
as the "day my ship came in."
61. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling
62. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight
at a high school sports event.
63. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
64. You own all the components of soap on a rope except
65. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em
in the shade.
66. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
67. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas
68. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
69. You entire family has ever sat around waiting
for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
70. You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
71. your grandmother has ever been asked to leave
a bingo game because of her language.
72. You can't tell what color your car is because
of the dirt.
73. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since
"Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
74. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
75. Your only condiment on the dining room table is
the economy size bottle of ketchup.
76. The rear tires on your car are at least twice
as wide as the front ones.
77. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
78. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
79. You use the term `over yonder' more than once
80. Birds are attracted to your beard.
81. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words
82. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
83. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange
84. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
85. Bikers back down from your momma.
86. You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
87. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting
on black velvet.
88. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
89. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
90. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
91. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
92. The most commonly heard phrase at your family
reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
93. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two
of the major food groups.
94. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
95. The first words out of your mouth every time you
see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How
Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a
96. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or
97. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public
98. You clean your nails with a stick.
99. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
100. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt
101. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
102. Your father encourages you to quit school because
Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
103. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
104. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
105. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest
invention of all time.
106. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
107. You've ever bought a used cap.
108. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
109. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
110. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
111. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does
112. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to
meet `Ms. Right'.
113. You have to go outside to get something out of
114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you
have to help take the wheels off it.
115. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat
116. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket
of KFC and a sixpack.
117. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
118. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name
on an overpass.
119. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
120. Someone asks to see your ID The directions to
your house include "turn off the paved road."
121. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
122. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire
123. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you
just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
124. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual
125. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
126. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer
127. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired
128. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an
empty beer can in the car.
129. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
130. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window
of your car.
131. You have a very special baseball cap, just for
132. Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
133. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
134. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling
while you are at work.
135. Your dad walks you to school because you are
both in the same grade.
136. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
137. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck
138. You have started a petition to change the National
Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."
139. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular
140. You consider your license plate personalized
because your dad made it in prison.
141. You have been fired from a construction job because
of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
142. You need one more hole punched in your card to
get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
143. You need an estimate from your barber before
you get a haircut.