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by Mark Patinkin
of The Providence Journal

The Rules of Life arn't always easy.

The later you are for an appointment, the more red lights you'll hit on the way.

The more inconsequential the agenda, the longer the meeting.

Those who complain the most about not getting promoted least deserve it.

The more frantically you rush in from outdoors to grab a ringing phone, the more likely they'll hang up just as you say, "Hello."

In those rare cases where you do answer before they hang up, it will be a wrong number.

If you're rushing to meet a plane, it will always leave on time.

If you miss it and reschedule on the next flight, that one will leave an hour late.

The worse the crime, the quicker the parole.

The greater the hype, the worse the movie.

Round objects dropped on the floor will roll to a room's most inaccessible corner.

Even square objects will.

The more insistent you are in asking a hotel clerk for a quiet room, the better the chance that you'll end up next door to a guy with a hearing problem who is into David Letterman.

The larger the print on envelopes announcing you've won $1 million, the more likely you've won the free alarm clock instead. But only if you fly to Florida and spend the day inspecting a time-sharing apartment complex first.

Ask a commuter how long it takes him and he'll shave 15 minutes off the real figure.

The three most dangerous words spoken on a ski slope: "Follow me, Dad."

Never cut a 2-by-3-foot hole in your backyard cedar fence and cover it with chain-link wire so your dog can have a window, without first discussing it with your wife.

The more unpleasant the contents of the Hefty bag you've set out on the curb, the more likely a band of Dobermans will have broken into it by morning.

The chances of a public address system breaking down increase in proportion to the nervousness of the speaker.

If it can't be washed in a dishwasher, don't buy it.

If it has to be ironed, don't buy that, either.

The more important the job interview, the more likely you'll forget about the piece of Kleenex you put on a morning shaving cut.

He who shouts first loses the argument.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but meanwhile, you want to be on the side of the guy who looks like Hulk Hogan.

People who have a "III" after their name will act the part.

The more work you have to do on an airplane, the greater the chance of your being seated next to a 2-year-old with sinus problems.

Never buy a used car if the radio buttons are all on hard rock stations.

Envelopes that say "last chance" really mean they'll be giving you five more.

Waitresses only ask if everything's all right when your mouth is full.

A thunderstorm will only knock out your power if you are out of candles.

Be wary of men who wear sunglasses indoors.

When in Third-World countries, always agree with soldiers carrying machine guns.

Never date a women who wears leather pants for a walk on the beach.

The shortest recordable period of time is that between when the light turns green and the driver behind you honks.

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